Looking at Godly ego

As mentioned in the last article, the experience of spirituality is very subjective. My experience is only mine and it is an illusion to pretend that it should be true for others, or even apply to others as well.

When looking back at my own life, I could see that my intention to become “good” by shaping up myself when aware of my own shortcomings; started with the experience of Catholicism.

Catholicism wasn’t something that I picked up by analyzing things and coming up with a rational decision. It was something given through the environment as I grew up in Peru; where Catholicism is part of the politics of that society. The conditioning was there and many do not realize the influence of such tradition. However, there was something in me when I was 17 that didn’t click with Catholicism. I was exposed to different religious/ spiritual literature since I had the desire to know. Even attended different religious faiths. Read J. Krishnamurti when I was 23 and was amazed by his clear-cut views, but couldn’t understand how others did not think the same as I did. Then, I forgot all about it, once I was getting ready “to conquer the world and make my dreams come true” in the biggest capitalist society. I felt welcomed to join that new home with such opportunities.

I had the “American dream” accomplished in my mid 30’s. However, fears and lack of satisfaction appeared even though I was “supposed” to be happy. Brahma Kumaris appeared at that time. That experience was unique. It wasn’t my choice and because it was beyond my rational conditioning, it had a very strong influence. I had an experience with what I thought was the true God. I couldn’t pass that new opportunity, for it was my original “raison d’etre.”

That turned my life outside down. I had something new to achieve, to become. My drive was to demonstrate others that I knew God. That was my inspiration to proselytize. I thought I was helping others, but truly; I was helping myself. That was fuel to continue in my journey which I thought was the “truth.”

The amount of ego emerging from that experience is tremendous: “I” know God. “I” know the truth. Not only that but I knew how to put “reasons” to try to demonstrate that what I knew was the “truth.” Without a doubt, there were very few Brahma Kumaris’ followers who could understand “knowledge” as I did. “I was on my way to Heaven.” 🙂

Observe how life puts the experiences necessary for that ego to emerge. “Success” in this world or the world beyond is the same thing. That strong desire to accomplish is ego in disguise. I am not saying that to work to accomplish our dreams in ‘bad,’ no. It is a necessary experience to try to get our hands full with something but yet, remain empty inside.

For that ego to start diluting itself, I had to go through many other experiences. It doesn’t go away because I decide to “conquer it” or to act as if I did not have ego. Usually extreme suffering will cut it off, but that is not the only tool used by Life. It all depends on our own journey.

Looking back, the teaching wasn’t that I needed to find “God.” The teaching was that I needed to observe that ego and for that, it needed to be fat, juicy and big so I could become AWARE of it. Life gave me that experience through the Brahma Kumaris. The outcome, what we ARE, is what has value. Many times we are entertained by trying to find the “truth,” or believing that our experience is the only and true one. That is a mirage.

Life experiences are meant to change our consciousness as long as we become aware of the teachings and not become mesmerized by the teacher, even if that one is “God.”

What did I learn through those experiences? Our service to society is not in revealing who God is, but in revealing ourselves to ourselves while in relation with others. BEING that which we talk about. The rest is only pretty spiritual talk.